The Sky's the Limit?

The final assignment for CEP 416 is to create a Technology Integration Plan that you plan on actually using in your upcoming internship year. The assignment's boundaries and specifications are easy...they don't exist. At first this sounds like a great opportunity to use your knowledge and your imagination for create your ideal plan. A plan that will allow your students to be engaged and excited. A plan that has no limits of funding, state benchmarks, parental involvement or district allowance. My mind was in constant brainstorming mode for several days. I wanted to make sure that I had spent enough time creating every possible technology integration idea before I settled on my project of choice.

When I felt that I had given enough time to the brainstorming stage I decided to actually sit down and start writing the details, steps and concepts that would be a part of my brilliant plan. And this my friends, is when I realized that this was no easy task. I realized that I have hardly ever been given the opportunity to create and development my own ideas for my classroom. My classes have always included projects and papers with these requirements and those specifications. I couldn't get over the fact that here I was with no boundaries and I sat craving the restrictions that I have grown so used to. I spoke with one of my fellow CEP416 classmates about my dilemma and her eyes light up as I explained my frustration with the need for restrictions. Her response made the project seem easy, "Anything is possible, if it doesn't exist - create it." I explained my worries of funding and permissions that would hold up my plan and all she could do was talk about how there are no limits to what I could do and that I should create and work towards establishing my dream project. I left the conversation still feeling frustrated, partially because of my need to know the real life restrictions that I would have to work around next year and also because of my envy for her excitement and imagination.

I wondered why I couldn't take this opportunity to be the typical excited-motivated-free-spirit-college graduate that I would soon be. I began to realize that I lack that stereotypical "I'm going to change the world" attitude. The thought saddens me and I wonder where my excitement for my future profession went. I try my best not to point fingers but I can't help but feel that my lack of excitement comes from my classes and my lack of real-elementary classroom experience. Yes, I've had several placements and TE courses but none that provided me with a positive and excited attitude. These experiences have left me jaded and unmotivated. I have not been filled with the notion that I can make a difference and change the world one student at a time. I have come accustomed to thinking about the rules, regulations, limitations and challenges that come with teaching. When I think about the road ahead of me I imagine a difficult, bumpy and long road where the moments that make teaching worth it are far and between. And here less than a month away from completing my undergraduate degree and less than six months away from being in a classroom five days a week - I sit and wonder where did this cynic come from and when will she go away?